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Saturday, November 2nd, 2002
6:37 pm - hi, how you doin, i'm new and improved with even less to lose
this has been my first update in quite sometime, so...the following has happened:

Halloween rocked. Not just did I find out that one of my friends got to find out how a cat tastes (if you catch my drift), I got fucked up with quite a few friends...me and Ryan smoked a nice bowl of dro and then me, ryan, kevin, carlo, and gina got drunk. Gina and Carlo were laid back while Kevin was acting crazy. The night owned. I was kind of hoping that I would have run into Brian Kenney or one of the Oberlies and tell them to tie my shoe so I could kick them in the face.

Friday was interesting. I woke up, went to Wawa, got home, hung out with Pelone for a little. then there was a period of 6 hours that nothing happened and i just sat on my computer. then, around 6:45 I went to the Connors only to find out they were going to the mall. I went with them. They ended up seeing Jackass; however, I think the whole concept of that show is ridiculously stupid so I just went to the mall instead.

Afterwards, I ended up seeing Ally. She looked pretty 'attractive.' I'd like to hit that. I probably could, too...

Today was okay. I went to work from 8 until 1 and then sat around for three hours until I started watching Lethal Weapon. From there, I went back to work to go grocery shopping and 'associate' with my 'employees.' It made me realize how much I love work.

Now, here I am, sitting around. I shall update this later. good day

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Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
10:25 pm - fuck this part two.
this is exactly why i fucking hate associating with white people. this is why i fucking hate all crackers. I don't give a fuck if it makes me a wannabe black person or asian or anything. i fucking hate white people.

i have never come across an African American person who would do shit like Jaymee did to me.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. i'm so fucking pissed right now i'm not even being coherent. i'd write if i weren't goibng to bed in like 3 minutes. hopefully i can get up for school. maybe my mom's right, i am fucking depressed. fuck this. fuck everything.

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10:21 pm - fuck this.
every person i think i'm close to says 'i don't know you.'

or 'we don't have similar interests.'

or 'you shouldn't take things so personally.'

or 'you're a weird guy.'

especially girls.

i can't believe any of this fucking shit. i am so god damn pissed off right now i can't even express it. today has been terrible. i fucking hate school, i hate just about every female, i hate most people that aren't my close friends. this is the reason i fucking started smoking. and now that i'm trying to quit, i get another one of these thrown at me.

Crackaz Is Broke: wtf stop warning me
Jinkies540: i'm not
Crackaz Is Broke: oh
Jinkies540: why would you assume it's me?
Crackaz Is Broke: politics and economics are fueled by the manipulation of stupid people

no one was warning me
Jinkies540: yeah
Jinkies540: go see bowling for columbine!
Crackaz Is Broke: what is that?
Jinkies540: michael moore's new film
Jinkies540: i made a special tshirt for it
Jinkies540: cuz i'm going on fri.
Crackaz Is Broke: what is it about?
Jinkies540: gun control
Crackaz Is Broke: oh
Crackaz Is Broke: please tell me he's opposed to it
Crackaz Is Broke: or i will lose even more respect for him
Jinkies540: watch the trailer!!! it's soooooo good
Jinkies540: of course he is
Crackaz Is Broke: oh
Crackaz Is Broke: so he's in favor of everyone having guns?
Crackaz Is Broke: good
Jinkies540: www.apple.com/quicktime has it
Crackaz Is Broke: excellente
Jinkies540: watch itttt
Crackaz Is Broke: i never realized michael moore was anti-gun control
Crackaz Is Broke: that is rather cool
Jinkies540: ...
Jinkies540: nevermind
Crackaz Is Broke: wait
Crackaz Is Broke: he's in favor of it?
Jinkies540: less guns
Jinkies540: sorry
Crackaz Is Broke: what a moron
Jinkies540: fuck you.
Crackaz Is Broke: we would be part of the Soviet Union right now if it weren't for the right to bear arms
Jinkies540: yesterday you were stoned and i told you to go see it, and you were like "i heard it's excellent. i will."
Crackaz Is Broke: but i guess that's fine for a socialist
Jinkies540: fuck you joe
Crackaz Is Broke: yeah
Crackaz Is Broke: what?
Jinkies540: you're being an asshole
Jinkies540: i just told you to go see his film
Crackaz Is Broke: wtf you're the one who's cursing at me
Crackaz Is Broke: i just said i disagreed with him
Crackaz Is Broke: i didn't attack you
Crackaz Is Broke: you're attacking me
Jinkies540: you called him a moron
Crackaz Is Broke: i've called him a moron in the past and you haven't gotten so annoyed
Jinkies540: and said you'd lose respect for him because of his opinions
Crackaz Is Broke: yes
Jinkies540: and just...started being mean
Crackaz Is Broke: and that justifies a personal attack on me
Crackaz Is Broke: because i attacked someone who you like
Jinkies540: yes! you'd do it right back to me.
Crackaz Is Broke: i wouldn't say 'fuck you'
Crackaz Is Broke: 'you're being an asshole'
Crackaz Is Broke: i'd debate it
Jinkies540: well i'm not always in the mood to debate everything
Crackaz Is Broke: oh, that's right, instead you're in the mood to curse me out
Crackaz Is Broke: glorious
Jinkies540: i mean sometimes, friends try taking interest in what the other likes
Jinkies540: instead of calling them morons
Crackaz Is Broke: yeah, i mean damn
Jinkies540: it's supposed to be an excellent film
Crackaz Is Broke: you took so much interest in me and mark at the dash concert
Crackaz Is Broke: instead of just sitting there and not interacting with us
Crackaz Is Broke: and then claiming i was trying to molest you
Jinkies540: YOU PLAYED CELL PHONE GAMES!
Crackaz Is Broke: YOU DIDN'T TALK
Crackaz Is Broke: THROUGHOUT THE PERFORMANCE
Crackaz Is Broke: HENCE WHY I PLAYED CELL PHONE GAMES
Jinkies540: I WAS WATCHING IT!!
Jinkies540: you couldve talked to me
Crackaz Is Broke: you were obviously distancing yourself from me and mark which really fucking pissed me off
Crackaz Is Broke: hence the lack of communication on the way home
Jinkies540: jesus christ. not to mention all the other times i've gone to your house on my visits and have had people not even speak to me
Crackaz Is Broke: yeah because you've always been Mrs Nice To Be Around when you're with me
Crackaz Is Broke: i mean, after all, the last two times you didn't stop communicating with me and continously insult me
Jinkies540: if you've felt this way all along joe, it's a shock you havent told me. dont try to say i have a lack of communication.
Crackaz Is Broke: shit i even recall you ditching me to go to the mall with Steve
Jinkies540: all you do is play videogames and basketball with people i dont even know when i'm around
Jinkies540: please just realize that
Jinkies540: it's not my fucking fault
Jinkies540: not to mention WE DONT EVEN REALLY KNOW EACHOTHER. of course it's going to be uncomfortable
Crackaz Is Broke: yeah, since you know steve so well too
Jinkies540: PLUS, please realize that it WAS making me uncomfortable you touching me in the backside of mark's car, and i never once accused you of "molesting" me.
Jinkies540: STEVE INVITED ME!!!
Jinkies540: if you invited me, i wouldve gone
Jinkies540: WHEN DID I CONTINUOUSLY INSULT YOU?
Crackaz Is Broke: 'you're terrible
Crackaz Is Broke: 'you deserve to die'
Crackaz Is Broke: that was just the last time
Jinkies540: i say that to everyone. please dont take that seriously
Jinkies540: but when i ask you to stop touching me, i'm being serious, and you didnt seem to take that seriously
Crackaz Is Broke: wtf i touch everyone
Crackaz Is Broke: i'm a touchy feely guy
Jinkies540: joe, i dont know mark. i dont ever hang out with you. there's nothing to talk about
Jinkies540: you can't just place all the blame on me
Jinkies540: you dont like anything i like
Crackaz Is Broke: just because you're a complete feminist and feel that any man who touches you that is not a super attractive punk rocker is some sort of strange molester doesn't mean
Crackaz Is Broke: gah
Crackaz Is Broke: whatever
Crackaz Is Broke: what the fuck
Jinkies540: jesus christ
Jinkies540: that's not even true
Crackaz Is Broke: i hate that fukcing shit
Crackaz Is Broke: 'we can't talk we don't have similar interests'
Crackaz Is Broke: i don't hang out with anyone who has similar fucking interests to me
Jinkies540: YOU COULDVE TALKED TO ME
Jinkies540: it's not all my fault!!!!
Jinkies540: HOW IS THIS ALL MY FAULT???
Crackaz Is Broke: when i attempted to communicate in a joking form on the way there you were just being an asshole
Crackaz Is Broke: hence why is topped talking and started playing my cell phone
Crackaz Is Broke: i don't like being used by people
Crackaz Is Broke: and having my emotions toyed with
Crackaz Is Broke: hence why i was so pissed off
Jinkies540: a) again, i dont know you. i dont know you're touchy feely. b) i ASKED YOU TO STOP!!! there's no reason that you shouldnt have kept on doing it
Jinkies540: yes. i was toying with your emotions.
Jinkies540: what the FUCK?! how
Jinkies540: i dont understand
Crackaz Is Broke: fuck this
Jinkies540 signed off at 10:19:58 PM.

fuck the world.

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Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
9:27 pm - god damn it...
where to start...

::shrug:: Saturday and Sunday were fun days. Monday was okay. Today was great.

Friday sucked so much ass that nothing else matters...but i'll get to that last. I'll go in reverse chronological order...

Today rocked. I got home early because of the PSATs. I sat around for a little and ended up talking to Matt Reibach. He wanted to go to IQ...I did as well. He came down and picked me up and we went there for about an hour and a half. We then hit the Burger King, went to Goatse on one of the computers, and walked out. He then dropped me off. Pretty fun.

Monday was okay. I got NBA2k3...pretty fun game.

Sunday I hung out at the house until work...then I got off early from work...went to the Connors...and hung out. I also got two new pairs of shoes (black and white Timberland boots and the red, white and blue Doctor J converses).

Saturday I hung out with the Minors and Kevin. That was a lot of fun, as it usually is.

Friday was such a fucking disaster I'm reduced to listening to Dash and just thinking over the events in my head.

okay...so it started off good. I got some good weed, smoked, chilled in the house for a little until Jaymee showed up. I was acting all cool and laid back, like I usually am when I'm high, but she didn't seem to be in a good mood or something. I thought that would change on the way to the concert or something.

So, we walked to the Connors and she started talking about how I was a terrible person and deserved to die. She did that every other time we hung out and associated outside of the Internet, so I thought she was joking. We got to the Connors and we hung out with Carlo and Marques until it was time for the concert.

So, then we get in the car, and go to the concert. I was in my excited high, so I started joking around with her. She apparently took it the wrong way like I was hitting on her...

to be continued, only because i'm talking about the nba fantasy league which seems to get me out of this dreary mood

current mood: fuck.

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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
9:27 pm - I hear the people talk...
here's a little rant i wrote about being a white hip hop fan.
---------------------------------
It’s hard being a fan of rap and being white. Now, someone might think this article would be about how the founders of hip hop-black people-constantly try to take us white hip hop fans down. However, from my experience, that is rarely the case. None of my black friends have any problem listening to rap, and I have yet to find a single black person who called me a wigger or told me that rap is for them. No, instead, I find that it is my fellow whites that refer to me as a wigger and tell me rap is for black people.
Earlier today, I was talking to my white friend Pelone, and we were discussing a girl who annoyed me. I told him that I was annoyed when she said I was a fan of ‘rap crap.’ Pelone replied with, ”Well, it’s kind of hard not to make fun of a wigger.” I was extremely offended the second he referred to me as such a degrading term. However, it seems that the term is almost universally accepted by whites to describe people who like rap, the ‘black music.’ Most people seem to think that white people liking rap is a joke. I’m often walked up to at my school-one that preaches ‘acceptance’ and ‘keeping an open mind’-by morons who say “what up dog” or “word g” or some other kind of mockery of me. They seem to think it’s a joke. When I’m quick to correct them and say “I am a white hip hop fan, not a wigger” they jump out and say “Of course you’re a wigger! Look at the way you dress, talk, and the music you listen to!”
What the hell? So suddenly, the way you dress, talks, and what you listen to dictates what nationality you want to be? Does a black person who plays hockey and listens to rock music want to be white? Does a white kid who watches anime and makes a bunch of weird smiley faces when they talk online want to be asian? These are incredibly blunt generalizations that most would say are racist. Yet, because I wear Air Force Ones and two tone hats, listen to rap and talk more ‘thuggish’ around my black friends, I must want to be black?
Now, it may seem that this rant really has no solution. To an extent, it doesn’t. I can only correct people so much and try to change their minds. Some are just naturally ignorant and can’t seem to understand why any white person would want to listen to something that isn’t created by another white person. My suggestion to all white hip hop fans out there is to stick up for themselves. Next time someone refers to you as a wigger, don’t just stand there and laugh. Stand up for hip hop and it’s tolerant message by letting people know that you DON’T want to be black and that you DON’T appreciate being referred to in such a degrading manner. Only by clearing others minds of ignorance towards whites in this culture will we ever be able to let other whites know the glorious genre that we know-hip hop.
---------------------

current mood: creative

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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
7:26 pm - suck my dick
whoa!

i love looking up to turn on my speakers and then looking down to see my dog right underneathe me.

today was one of the most interesting days i've had in quite a long time..and for all the wrong reasons. i can't go into much details, but lets just say me and pelone almost got in a lot of shit but luckily our parents made everything work.

problem is, we may not be able to associate for a while because 'whenever we interact trouble occurs.' fuck.

well, in good news, I'm not smoking weed in for all of October until the 31st, and if I like being clean for a month, I'll remain that way. My mom is retarded. She went around telling people that i have a 'drug problem.' that pisses me the fuck off. i'm not sure what i'd prefer, a mother that keeps all business in the house and punishes me or one that doesn't punish me but tells everyone my business.

God Damn it.

This weekend was good, I guess. Work was fun. I hung out with Shane and had the biggest spurt ever (WHOA, THERE, TOO MUCH INFO). The Eagles have been wiping their asses with opponents lately, so that's good.

NBA season in a month and a week. can't wait...hopefully i'll get my tickets to see Yao Ming and to see the Lakers so I can boo Kobe. That would be fun.

Well then...I guess this random entry is over. I really should do my Ann work, but since I don't think I'm going to school tomorrow, I believe I will do it tomorrow.

k thx bye

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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
6:15 am - Joy
School starts today.

of course, since school starts, you'd think I wouldn't be able to sleep last night. Not true; I fell asleep in about 30 minutes.

Of course, that doesn't really help WHEN I WAKE UP AT 4:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

blah. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. I think I might go in and be an asshole for the first two days so everyone says "Damn, Joe changed over the summer" but then act normal for the rest of the year.

fat chance.

I already have two antics planned out: I'm going to randomly walk into an advisory and while the advisor is in there and ask the kids who their advisor is. Then, at one point during advisory, I'm going to start singing a random song by Dashboard Confessional to Blinky.

I wonder if Brent really dropped out. lol. If he's not there, I will have no one to be gay with! ::hides in a corner::

Yeah...well, hopefully today will be a good day. I'm a little nervous, but whatever. Everything tends to work out.

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Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
9:59 pm - hip hop is a screenplay
blah. i hate this. every day i plan specifically not to smoke weed, i end up meeting up with one of my friends who i smoke with who came over just to smoke...and i can't turn them down.

damn you ryan kelly. lmao.

i keep on reading about that DJ Shadow guy...i forget what magazine (Rolling Stone? Request?) I read about him in, but he sounded like an amazing guy. i've been meaning to get into turntablism, too...maybe I should check him out.

yeah. so, today i got high, went to the mall, then played Street Hoops with Kev for like 3 and a half hours.

I've noticed I've spent less time on the computer...which is good. I'm on maybe an hour during the actual day...i'm on late during nights, but that's because no one here comes out late. ha.

LAN Party of saturday...first actual one since April. I'm looking forward to it.

That's all...peace

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12:09 pm - wtf
i forget when school starts this year...the 3rd or 4th...which gives me less than two weeks...damn.

In retrospect, this summer was above average. The first month was phenominal. The last two weeks of July were decent, yet a little boring. August sucked balls.

I can't even think of many highlights. It was probably due to the lack of people to hang out with. Pelone was grounded almost all of July for getting caught with weed. Steve basically disowned us-he still chills with me maybe once every month or two, but he's doing his own thing now. Tristan and Mojo weren't around that much. It was basically me, the Connors, and the Minors.

Not to say that's bad or anything. This was the first summer I hung out with the Minors in a long time, since they were away for all of last summer and school year. That was always fun. However, without Pelone to stir up trouble and Steve to bring good topics around, this summer was kind of dull and a constant repeat cycle.

I also smoked waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much weed this summer. Other than the 3 weeks when I had no money and had no weed, I was high just about every day. I finally found out what it meant to 'smoke yourself stupid.' My thoughts have been cloudy and my short term memory has gone to hell. Kind of sucks, really. I think I'm gonna do what Ryan does and cut down the chronic to once or twice a month as opposed to 5-6 times a week.

Now that schools starting, I don't know what to think. I'm probably going to write up a little something summarizing the events of the summer and such and comparing it to past ones. I'll just do a little ranking of the Summers here in BBCC:

1) Summer of 6th to 7th grade
2) Summer of 9th to 10th grade
3) Summer of 7th to 8th grade
4) Summer of 10th to 11th grade
5) Summer of 8th to 9th grade
6) Summer of 5th to 6th grade

Next summer is my last true summer as a high schooler...so I'd better make the best of it.

Whoo!

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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
2:12 pm - The Demigodz Are Better Than You
thank God for trillian. i can sign on one of my other random SNs and be AFK on YouKnowTheLedge so a certian annoying autistic person can't IM me. lol.

I should be more tolerant.

Anywho...I recently discvoered 'Soulseek', which is yet another p2p thing. it ownz, though, because i can find all these underground MCs i can't find on krapzaa and IRC. I've so far gotten the DemiGodz CD, Sage Francis's latest CD, El-P's Fantastic Damage and Saul Williams Amethyst Rockstar. All of them own, although I like the Demigodz the most...

yeah. school in...3 weeks? damn...should be quite an adventure.

bryan's coming down on friday, though, so it may all work out...this last month of summer known as August, that is.

i'm going to continue sitting on my ass...maybe i'll update later. k thx bye

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Saturday, August 10th, 2002
12:46 am
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK CONNORS!
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK CONNORS!
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK CONNORS!

THE HILLTOP ANTHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GO TO HILLTOP
I'MR EALLY GAY
I HAVE SEX WITH MEN ALL DAY
HILLTOP IS SO FUCKING QUEER
I LOVE HILLTOOOOOOOOOP!
HILLLTOOOOOOOOP!

HI EVERYONE
MY NAME IS STEV EMOYER
I ENJOY SPRAYING PEOPEL SHIRST AND HOODIES WITH SPARY PAINT
BECAUSE I GOT OT HILLTOP
GUESS WHAT I'M GOIN TO BE WHEN I GROW UP
GUESS WHAT I'M GOIN TO BE NEXT HALLOWEEN
A HIGHLY MEDICATED HILLTOP STUDENT

OH SHIT IT'S EN PUM

JACKASS

HILLTOPHILLTIOPHILLTOPHILLTOPHILTLOPHILLTOP

HEY EVERYONE
ITS TRISTAN
TRISTAN CHIN
I WANT TO GO TO HILLTOP

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRISTAN, WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE BASS
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ALLL THE UNIMPORTANT STUFF
YOU'RE FORGETTING THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ALL
WE ARE AZN!

AND WE ARE PROUD!

WHAT?

OH SHIT IT'S EN PUM AGAIN!

JACKASS TIMES TWO
HEYFACE!

ONE TWO THREE FOUR HILLTOP LETS GO

HILLTOP HILLTOP HILLTOP HILLTOP HILLTOP

AHH AHH

WISSAHICKON IS SO COOL
I'M SUCH A COOL EMO KID
WHAT/ YOU DON'T LIKE CHRISTIAN PUNK
YOUA RE SOF IRED
HOP UP
THE PIECE HAS TO TALK

HI I'M MR PIECE
IWAN TY OU TO HOP UP ON MY PIECE
SHUT UP YOU FUCKIN PIECE

ONE TWO HILL TOP
HILLTOP
HILLTOP
HILLTOP
I GO TO HILLTOP!
HILLTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

I'M SMART I GOT A 68 ON MY IQ TEST

WHOA

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Monday, August 5th, 2002
10:53 am - Oops
hey, remember that post i made two days ago about quitting?

uh, delay that for at least another month.

QUARTER OUNCE OF NORTHERN LIGHTS HERE I COME

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Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
11:30 pm - fuck weed
What seemed to be a boring day turned out to be quite an interesting night. I am officially through with smoking weed and will never smoke again when school starts again.

So, what brought me to this change of thoughts?

Quite a few things. for one, i feel as if a few of my boys were turning against me becuase of it-or weren't really even my boys.

I've come to the conclusion that you have no real friends when you're high. Sure, you have your 'friends' who don't smoke but 'don't have a problem with you doing it' and then you have your new 'friends' that 'smoke with you.'

That's all a lie.

If there's one thing I always noticed when I was high, it was people getting upset that I was high. lol. Mark always acted cool and looked out for me, but I could tell he was pissed about it. Same with Carlo and Marques.

Then, there's the 'friends' that 'smoke with you.' They're all snakes. Pelone was supposed to be my best friend, but once he got caught, he shifted all the blame to me. My new buddies that I started hanging out with through weed have talked shit. Ryan and Shane? Yeah, Ryan is a cool guy. I'm still going to be friends with him. Shane is 100% pure snake. Sure, I knew that from the start, but I didn't realize they were so vocal about 'how i'm such a fag when i'm high.' It's great to know that I was buying the quarter ounce for me to 'repay them' for all the times they've gotten me high for them to be talking shit.

well, it doesn't matter. the quarter ounce doesn't exist. i'll talk to shane occasionally at games or whatever and chill with ryan when he's with kevin...maybe even chill with pelone occasionally. it won't be the same, though.

i guess that was one beneficial part about weed...it showed me who my real 'friends' are and who's not to be trusted. Granted, I knew that from the start-one of my favorite things to do is pretend to be ignorant to what others think about me so they don't suspect anything until I double cross them. Weed showed me who I can realy trust. I'll just make the list here of my truest homeboys that I'll trust for life:

Kevin
Mark
Carlo
Marques
Keith
Brandon
Ertner
Benson
Mojo
Tristan

Anyone else is a snake to me.

It feels good to get this all out. I feel like having one last smoke of weed before I officially quit, but that may just jeopardize my whole goal.

I'm through. Wooo!

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Saturday, July 27th, 2002
2:44 pm
wow, i keep on thinking a lot. when i'm high. the thoughts make sense in my head. but i can't type them correctly. right now i'm using periods instead of commas. how odd. lmao.

i keep on listening to R&B songs and thinking of people that they relate too. for example, All My Life by Kci and JoJo reminds me of Jessie Deveney during the Winter of 7th grade (where I used to walk around at like 6:30, when it was pitch and black and freezing) and Eric in the Christmas of 7th grade.

Damn, life was good in 7th grade. I miss the times when i'd come home from school at like 6:15 and it would be pitch black outside. Walking around in the freezing cold when it's pitch black outside is fun. I couldn't really do it this winter because it was so warm...but hopefully next winter will be full of cold nights where i'll just go walking around. lol.

the scary part about this 'song correlation' thing is that I'm connectin gall of these love songs to men-Again by Janet Jackson to Jack and Anytime by Brian McKnight to Jason. Damn. my homosexual tendencies really do come out a lot when i'm high.

i'm afraid i'm becoming a pothead. that would suck, mainly because potheads suck. the whole drug community disgusts me. of course, i don't have much access to it, outside of school. that's why i don't think i'll ever become a heroin addict or something. lol.

i was looking for a ROM of Ogre Battle (classic game) earlier, but i couldn't figure anything out. gra. i think the trojan i got during my 'insanely high porn search' is starting to give that guy who sent it to me access to my comp.

that would suck a llama's balls.

okay...i'm probably goibng to stop ranting and look for the ROM again...I hate this. It's 3:00 and if eel like it's like 10 at night or 8 in the morning.

blah.

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1:21 am
wow, it seems like the higher i get, the more i post in my LJ.

Eric is probably the coolest guy I've ever talked to on the Internet. The fact that he may move to Pennsylvania is even better. Of course, i'll be in college and all, but still...it would own to live near perhaps my best friend on the internet ever. lol.

i know that sounds gay, but Eric has meant a lot to me so I feel the need to say so :-(

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1:11 am
fuck. i'm still obsessing over Leigh. I read a conversation she had with Steve. Dear God am I jealous of him.

Could this be the restart in my interest in girls, or is it just me being high? lol...

Dash is so amazing for times like this...

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Friday, July 26th, 2002
11:16 pm - fuck this.
i'm really high right now, so excuse me if this long winded rant about something that i'm not aware of doesn't make sense.

i'm in a particular depressed mood after a boring day. why?

every once and a while, i rediscover her again. I rediscover Leigh.

Now, as most of you who have known me for a while know, through 6th-8th grade I was a complete sucker for girls (and a sucker at getting them, but that still stands today). I always fell in love with girls who had absoloutely no interest in me and i never had any sort of relationship with. Jessie, Mahsa, even Gina to an extent (who mainly uses me to get to Carlo).

There was one girl I did have a special relationship with, though. A friend. Sounds gay, but it was the truth. The first girl I ever took it upon myself to introduce myself to. She was like Jaymee before Jaymee (although I don't really have sexual feelings for Jaymee...she's probably my only 'friend' who is just that due to me not wanting to fuck up the relationship) and I became friends.

She was Leigh.

Almost every once in a while, something gets brought up that makes me think of her and get rather depressed about me losing her as a friend. It generally has something to do with Steve. he'll mention being on the phone with her or whatever, and i'll be like 'damn.' the fact that i'm high seems to be prolonging my thoughts about her.

i happened upon her this time almost accidently...i was looking at the comments on Steve's talknjot, and it was from her. i could tell immediately. i was like 'holy fucking shit...she hasn't changed.' it was th efirst time i ever got to...see how she interacted now.

damn. i miss that interaction.

I said it numerous times, my only regret about my whole terrorist threats incident was losing her. I didn't give a fuck about leaving Wissahickon when I got to my new school. I still don't at Crefeld, as hard as it may seem to believe. I don't care what most of the kids i lost in contact think, because my real friends stayed with me-and I discovered a closer relationship with certain other friends (Brandon, Keith, Carlo). It seemed like Good came out of Evil.

I lost her, though.

Maybe the good situation wasn't as good as I always thought.

there was one day when I talked to her. Wissahickon had it's big football game, and Brandon was there. he knew I always wanted to talk to Leigh, so he called me from some kids cell phone and put her on. We talked for a good 5 seconds, but I felt euphoric for the time being. I thought maybe she would start interacting with me again.

As per usual, I thought wrong. I haven't talked to her since. My only knowledge that she's even still alive is through indirect sayings from Steve.

Damn. I'm going through a CPP. I should stop ranting now. sorry if that didn't mak esense. my mind isn't exactly clear...

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Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
7:03 pm - Graaa
Haven't updated with anything but a few words in a while...so...I may as well do that now.

Here are my current options for when I return to Crefeld:

1) Become a complete academic nerd (in other words, more nerdy than I already am) and focus mainly on my studies and classwork. Don't interact with students outside of school. Make as little social contact as possible.
2) Hang out with Jake and his friends. This, unfortunately, seems like the most likely scenario now. I guess Jake is a good guy, but something about him reminds me of Julian.
3) Go all out thuggish and chill with just Phil, Chaz, and Reid.
4) Take Carlo's age old suggestion and become the enemy of the school. Be an outright asshole (totally uncharacteristic of myself) and have everyone hate me, although not going as far as to get expelled. a little Adam of sorts.
5) Probably the best option-face my fear of social interaction with people who I don't know and actually start conversations with people, try and become friends with girls and be a nice guy with some craziness on the side.

Going to Crefeld next year is going to be exactly like it was my first few weeks of school: silence. An attempt to discover a group of people I can hang out with and feel comfortable around. I doubt anyone from Crefeld's reading this (although I do belong to the group), but some may recall that my first semester at Crefeld, I was normal. I never acted crazy. I made ac ouple stupid remarks to Phil and Ertner, but that was it. I feel like that's going to repeat itself this year. Kind of upsetting; I like talking to people. I'm just scared of people. lol. a contradiction of sorts.

I hope I can find a peer group soon that involves people with common interests as me. Jake's probably the person who I'd be more than likely hanging out with, but I have nothing in common with him. I like rap, I'm a relatively calm and nice guy, and I'm more 'thuggish' than him. He likes classic rock, despises just about everything I enjoy and pour my soul into, and seems proud of his conforming-to-not-conforming self. I guess it's kind of close minded for me to say I shouldn't hang out with him for that reason...but he reminds me of Julian so much. I'm not sure if I can connect with him. Out of all the times I hung out with, one time was good, another was decent, and the others (like the LAN) were absoloute disasters due to his lack of an ability to interact with my friends and be nice to people who disagree with him.

Then, on the other hand, what options do I have? I talk to Mike a good amount of the time online and I recently discovered we have a common friend (my little man Tristan), but I don't know him that well. Chaz is a good guy and all but he's too street for me; my suburban ass can't handle him. Phil's one of the coolest guys to be around, but for some reason I feel uncomfortable with having him as the main guy I chill with. Reid doesn't talk. lmao.

Hopefully a new group of Crefelders comes along with the same interests as me, because otherwise I'm fucked. It's going to be scary going back to school, even if I still have a good month and a half.

On a good note, the one kid I seemed to have a huge rivalry with (Billy Farber) left, according to Peter Capper. That's good. I didn't want to be forced to whip that little punks ass, although with my luck he probably hit a growth spurt over the summer and is now 3 inches taller than me. Graa.

I still have a lot of time to figure it out. I want this year to be entirely different than last year. Last year I struggled academically (I got straight B's, but that's terrible in my book), often didn't hand in my work in time, and I cut school quite a few times. Maybe it is time to open up to my peers and get over my fears of social interaction and girls.

Minors are here, so I must go. Peace

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Monday, July 22nd, 2002
1:40 pm - NOW THATS WHAT I CALL PORN
http://pages.sbcglobal.net/unclesteve/01050020.jpg

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Monday, July 8th, 2002
11:24 am - AZN PRIDE XDDDDDDDD
I Am A: Lawful Evil Half-OrcFighter Mage


Alignment:
Lawful Evil characters believe that a nice, orderly system of life is perfect for them to abuse for their own advancement. They will work within 'the system' to get the best that they can for themselves.


Race:
Half-Orcs are a cross between a human and an orc. Generally, this kind of mating does not occur willingly, so half-orcs are almost never raised by a full set of parents. They tend to be less intelligent and attractive than humans, but are generally stronger and hardier. Violence is a part of their nature, and few half-orcs manage to overcome this to follow other professions. They are generally treated with disdain by other races, if not outright hostility.


Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.


Secondary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.


Deity:
Iyachtu Xvim is the Lawful Evil god of fear, hatred, malice, and tyranny. He is also known as the Godson and the Son of Bane. He appears as a gaunt, naked, scimitar-wielding man, or as a black cloud with glowing green eyes. His followers are working to strengthen his position in the world by converting (often by force) other deities' worshippers. They wear black robes with dark green trim, and wear black iron gauntlets with green eyes on the backs. Iyachtu Xvim's symbol is a black hand, inset with green eyes.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

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